Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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