I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
