I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just pee around me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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