Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
