I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
