i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
