I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
