sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
