He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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