listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
