i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
