Don't make out with my wife yet
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
