i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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