Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
