Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
