just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
