Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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