He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
