we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
