I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
