If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
