My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
