whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
