I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
