Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
