My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
