hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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