I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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