And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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