if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
