hotel room ftw
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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