remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
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