i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
