She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
what day is it and did you see me today?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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