i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
