Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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