i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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