if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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