We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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