ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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