just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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