dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
