Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
