i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
