her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
