Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
