i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
