The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
