I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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