Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
